How a fated encounter turned into love | Life and style
Life and style This article is more than 16 years oldHow a fated encounter turned into love
This article is more than 16 years oldWhen Freya took control of her love life, she was looking for a new man. She didn't expect to meet a familiar figure from her past ...I am an early adopter of technology and heavy user of the net - why then did the thought of meeting a partner online fill me with dread? For as long I'd heard of internet dating I'd told myself it wasn't for me. It felt too reductive.
I'd been living in London happily for the past seven years. I'd had many short-term relationships and felt confident that I was bound to meet someone to spend a long time with when the time was right.
However, I had approached finding the perfect job and home by identifying my wants and needs and methodically taking action to make them a reality. My approach to dating seemed a lot less controlled. "Some day, somehow" seems like blind optimism when you decide you are well and truly ready to share your life with someone deserving.
On my way home from my local one night I felt fed up with not doing anything about my desire to be in a relationship. I had to admit that the opportunities for meeting someone I clicked with seemed fewer these days. This was tough to swallow and felt clichéd. When I finally accepted the facts the step towards online dating seemed obvious.
If there was a chance of meeting someone that I felt good with online there was not a lot to lose. With all that in mind, I was prepared to consider it. No one else would need to know and I felt sure it would open up many possibilities. I decided to give it a go.
The catalyst
I tell a couple of friends about my decision. In the meantime, I head to my friend's birthday party and meet a guy who makes me laugh. This could be the beginning of a wonderful relationship, methinks. And isn't this how it's supposed to happen? We like the look of each other, we drink, we dance, we chat, we laugh, and we swap numbers.
The next day I realise I've had a bit more wine than I thought and the next week I meet up with said guy and it's worrying how little we have to talk about when sober. I feel sad. This is poignant but a terrific catalyst and I find myself more ready than ever to take the next step.
Choosing a dating site
For me it is about quality rather than quantity. I'd read about people who join every dating site out there and go on hundreds of dates. To me even dozens of dates seem daunting. I feel precious about the whole experience and don't want to become blasé about something so special.
I'd spent a lot of time on the Guardian's Soulmates site for work and for as long as I had been looking, the personal profiles of men and women on the site and many of their comments held some resonance with me. I choose it because it is reassuring to see people I have things in common with on board for the same reasons.
My profile and picture
I can't tell you how many times I write and rewrite my profile. Everyone else seems so natural and likeable. I like to think I know who I am and can express it. It must be like writing a CV, I reason; your own is always the hardest. I'm worried I sound too try-hard, too spiritual, too positive, too cynical, too music-obsessed, too enthusiastic, too similar to everyone else or, even worse, too smug.
I almost give up. This is why I never wanted to do this and it all seems too hard. But by this stage I am committed and I realise this is what everyone must go through.
Week one
It's a strange feeling. My profile and photo is live and the world keeps turning. Within minutes I can see the men who have viewed me and who have added me to their "favourites". It's fun checking out who is checking me out. I can't keep myself away for long, it is addictive and thrilling to be putting my hopes and desires out and seeing what comes up. I am completely engaged.
Within a couple of days I arrange a date for the following week with a good-looking, interesting-sounding chap at a pub in my local area.
Week two
My first date arrives. I feel suddenly nervous as I approach the pub. Uh-oh, he is not as good looking as his photo suggests. My worst fears appear to be coming true. By the time we've said hello and got a drink, though, my fears have subsided. He is a thoroughly nice bloke and looks cuter as he relaxes, but I don't fancy him. At a decent hour we say our goodbyes. I need more time to explore and don't commit to more dates for now.
Week three
I feel thrilled at the prospect of two coffee dates this week. One is planned for Sunday morning. I kick myself for suggesting this time, but it felt safe - I was clear about my plans for the afternoon and happy to have a get-out path secured. We meet and have lots in common; again there is no real physical attraction. I love his enthusiasm for work and energy and think he'd make a great friend.
So far I feel relieved to have spent time with such great men, but I decide I need to be clearer about what I am looking for and refine my criteria. I realise that so far I've enjoyed being contacted by men first. It's time I had a look through the thousands of profiles online, extend my paw and add men I like to my favourites.
I spend a good couple of hours trawling through profiles and of the thousand matches I view based on my criteria and I add six men to my favourites list. I think back to where I was a month ago and it feels like a long time ago.
Week four
Excited, I see that one of my specially selected favourites has emailed me. I can't quite believe my eyes at first, but his email addresses me by my real name. He goes on to say it had been a long time and that it was funny to see me "here". To my surprise, one of my favourites is a man I met while backpacking in south-east Asia many years ago. Pete and I met in the Cu Chi tunnels in Vietnam and soon became friends.
Still in shock, I have a closer look at his photo. His face has matured so it's natural that I hadn't recognised him. I write back, bluffing my way through and pretending I knew it was him the whole time. We exchange personal emails, the first time I've done this since joining. We arrange to have dinner the following week and I can't wait to catch up.
Week five
I have another date this week and my heart is not in it. I am distracted by thoughts of dinner with long-lost Pete later this week. I explain the situation with my date and he is great about it. In the meantime I resist the urge to be overly sentimental and try to take my mind off the date. I develop a huge cold and not being one to get sick often, I know this is a disguised case of nerves.
Though tempted to postpone I keep our date, flaky nose, red eyes and all. We met and it is truly wonderful to see Pete again. I feel as happy with him as I'd hoped.
He has travelled a lot over the years and is happy to be settled in a rewarding career, with a great home in an area that he loves. He is obviously enjoying new-found contentment in London. It sounds happily familiar. I feel that we could talk about anything and everything for a long time - and we since have.
I've experienced this many times before but the difference is this time, like my other Soulmates dates, I'd had the chance to read Pete's profile description of himself, what he likes and dislikes, what he is looking for in a partner, and had a chance to think about all of this before meeting up. Feeling the connection was the final piece.
To add to the coincidence, Pete only joined Soulmates for work. As part of his remit managing the PR for another dating site operator, he was online to take notes. It truly feels like we were meant to meet when and how we did.
Six months later
It's been some time now and the more time I spend with Pete the closer we grow. I have wondered if we would have reconnected some way without Soulmates, but who knows? It felt like perfect timing when we reunited. After several dates in quick succession and countless email exchanges I had a very clear picture of how I wanted to feel and who I wanted to be with in a relationship.
I am happy with my choice and the future for us seems endless and full of happy possibilities. I am so glad I took a risk.
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